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2 Oct 2014, 12:32pm
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I Hear You Barty…

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Good Morning Everpawdy…

It has been exactly one month since I had to let my sweet boy go and it does not get any easier as the days pass. In fact, after the first week it became harder and harder to get through the day without feeling and acting like a brainless zombie. The sadness I feel from the emptiness is something I can’t describe with words. It is just pure, naked sadness. I miss you, Bart.

Yesterday I was in the bathroom and I heard you bark. It was the squeaky little bark you eeked out when you were in your crate and wanted me to come get you. When you was starting to feel better from chemo you would let out these little barks in the middle of the night and I soon realized it was because you wanted me to come get you for Play Time (at 2 a.m.)!!  But yesterday I couldn’t go get you. I couldn’t let you out for Play Time. I couldn’t do anything. In fact, I couldn’t do anything to save you. I couldn’t do anything to prevent the cancer from overtaking your body and causing you pain. I could’t do anything…I felt so  guilty. I am so sorry, my love. Did I not do enough? How come I was able to save you before but not this time? I couldn’t go get you this time for Play Time…I can’t do anything but tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you. Sometimes that just does not seem like enough. I want you back…I want you to wake me up at 2 a.m. for Play Time!!!

My head knows I did my best, but another part of me feels like I failed, like I should have done more…

I miss you Bart. We had the best times together…just the absolute best times! But, I miss you. I am so painfully sad you are gone. I sob when I think about your absence. I miss you Bart. I just miss you…

I love you, Barty, I love you.

Favorite pic ever

 


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My heart is hurting for you! I know the emptiness, the sadness, the guilt. Please, please, don’t let the guilt overtake you.nthis disease is a ruthless monster. You did so much and gave Bart an extraordinary life. You could see his happiness radiating from his pictures. And when the time came , you gave a last selfless gift. It is just to us humans, it seems so unnatural, not the right order of things. Then the doubt and guilt sets in. Then you have the people that just do not get it. They ask aren’t you over it yet? I am heading up on 6 months since TY left. I can smile now as I remember the goofy things he did. But there are days that the missing him still sneaks up. I think of him every day, just sometimes, I can smile as those thoughts come. It is a huge emptiness to have. Know that we are here for you. We understand, we get it. Hugs from, Lori and TY

I see you Kalli in every move Izzy makes. I even call Izzy, Kalli. You have been gone over 6 months and I still breakdown and cry heavily for not being able to help you better. Why did cancer have to take you at such a young age? why was I unable to help you? why am I still crying so hard right now?

Darcy, the pain doesn’t go away ever. You will always feel like you could have done better. BUT my friend you will slowly realize you DID do everything and Bart knew it. Be happy he had the most amazing life. Be happy when you hear and see his spirit because you will always know he is still with you.

2 Oct 2014, 2:31pm
by Maureen Hunter

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Thanks for putting in words how I still feel so many days, Darcy. It’s going to be a tough year. I know that, like my Carri, Bart was such a huge part of your life and a true soul-mate. Because of that, the loss is so much greater than a lot of people could ever realize. If I could bring Bart back to you, Darcy, I would. If love could bring Bart back to you, Darcy, he’d be in your arms right now. Maybe he is.
Love from Mike, Maureen and Spot

2 Oct 2014, 2:39pm
by Jennifer Meadows

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He was such an awesome dog and it was because you were such a great mom. You will always have the memories of what a light he was in your life. Your bond was very obvious the first time I saw you two. I know your heart hurts. Mine hurts for you.

I’m so sorry for the hurt and heartache you’re dealing with. At one month of letting my Leland go I too was in a “zombie stupor”. Leland’s 3 month Angelversary was this week and there are times that both me and my husband still get tears in our eyes because we miss our boy. But it’s not everyday like it was.

And the guilt and “what ifs” are awful to deal with. Logically we know that we did everything we could to give our fur babies a better life but our hearts just miss them so. It’s just something that we each have to work through at our on pace. My husband still feels guilty over everything Leland went through and I feel like I let him down. I don’t know if those feeling will ever go away but I’m trying.

Sending you a warm hug.
Sahana and her Angel Leland

Yes, just like Lori, we get get it, we understand. The never ending hurt, the void, the silence, the endless loop questions.

I think everyone here will tell you it does get harder first…and then harder and harder.

Walking around in circles like a zombie, puttin on fake smiles, going through the motion of getting through the day…all while your heart is breaking and all you want his Bart back.

To hear the wonderfully strong ways Bart is staying connected to n you just warms my heart! For him to get through to you during this heavy time of grief….what a bond!

AND THAT PICTURE!!!! OMD! That says it all! Two beautiful souls just enjoying the bliss of being together in the moment!!! What a sacred treasure!

One thing that helps me sometimes is to simply remember that Happy Hannah wants me to be happy and to never spend one second o n the wasted worthless energy guilt. That would real k y upset her…just as it would Bart. Then I force myself to visualize something that made her ta i l wag and just hold that hap o y memory until I can get a smile on my heart.

PLEASE stay connected to us. It’s so important t o be supported by people who understand

Sending you lots of love!

Sally and My Eternal Light Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle

Oh Tracy, I’m sitting here all teary-eyed, I know that grief doesn’t pass so easily when you’ve loved so hard. I’m so sorry.

You did everything humanly possible. I know you know that. It’s just our primitive hearts that have a hard time figuring it out. Eventually they do, and while the pain doesn’t go away entirely, it gets easier to make it through the day. Time isn’t our friend when we want to stop hurting, but that’s just the way it is I guess.

I wish I could help, do something to ease the loss. If you want to talk you know how to find me, I am always here for you. xoxo

Darci,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so lost & confused. I know its part of this journey. The one part of this whole freaking thing that total sucks donkey you know what. I get it. I get the total anger, wanting Bart back.. It does get harder then some of that pain eases a little. When you love like we do that will always be with us.

You did everything that you could have done plus for Bart. He enjoyed his life. You let him be the dog he was supposed to be. No one can ever tell you that the pain ever goes away. I am going on 13 months with out my Sugar Bear. I can smile at our memories but I still have my days that I cry.
I wish there was more I could do to help.

(((((((((((Darci))))))))))))))
hugs
Michelle & Angel Sassy

Yup, your head knows you and Bart had the most amazing life together and you did everything right at the end but your heart just HURTS. And its gonna hurt for awhile. It will get better but I don’t think we ever truly “get over” the loss of our heart dogs. I still sob sometimes for the loss of my Rosa, nearly nine years ago. Fall was our last season together and as I was walking a path in the hills just the other day I turned to look behind me, hoping to see her trailing along as she did those last few months. But she wasn’t there and I felt her loss as sharply as if it was yesterday.

Hold on to this one true thing–it is better to have loved and been loved, to have known such deep bonds with another being, than to never had such an experience. It hurts like hell but I wouldn’t give up that pain for anything. I know you wouldn’t either.

thinking of you,
Martha and the Oaktown Pack

When the love is pure, it takes time (and a lot of tears) for the heart to heal. I think of you and Bart often; I think of the 4-leggeds in my life that have come and gone; and I dread the thought of when the time comes that I have to say goodbye to the two wonderful dogs I have in my life now. With my other animals, I loved them with all my heart but I also had my job, a lot of social activities and a very busy life. The grief ran deep but slowly but surely, healing came. With the two we have now, I have been with them 95% of the time. The part time work I do, I do at home. When I travel back and forth to Nevada to be with my husband (as he works down there), they travel with me. I have been apart from Tracks a total of 10 days in his almost 9 years. Ziva, our 3-year-old girl has never been away from me overnight. The most she has experienced is night’s in the crate when we are at my parent’s. All the other times, the dogs are on the bed with us. To think of something happening to one of them is horrific. That is what I felt when I heard the news of Bart’s passing. I felt the emptiness, the ache, the sickness that can come with grief. My prayers continue for you just as my love continues for your boy that you shared with the world. The pain will lessen and you will eventually move forward, but Bart will always be with you. I have no doubt of that. Take care.

The Tanner Clan

4 Oct 2014, 1:51am
by Karen concilio

reply

My heart aches for you and my eyes are still swollen from crying after having read this. You have truly shared your soul.Having spent years in adult human medicine I can assure you that Bart received the best drugs and care possible. From a personal view I doubt that there was a more loved dog than Bart. You allowed Bart to live his life full and in doing so you have touched the lives of so many people. People that are probably better off for having met the two of you. What you did in the end was listen to Bart tell you he was ready. You let him go with the grace and dignity that he deserved. I applaud you for your strength and determination. Bart will always be with you.

Glad you are writing…and allowing yourself to feel, even know it doesn’t feel good…it will allow you to heal. I have an image in my mind of Bart licking your wounds, envisioning them healing so beautifully, and his soul ever connected to yours, inside and out, always there to comfort you, and love you, as you have him, endlessly. I did not realize we were not FB friends, so I sent you a friend request. I also emailed you to let you know that I will be sharing the amazing love story, filled with courage and compassion, that the two of you co-authored throughout Arfsome journey. I am officiating two animal blessings tomorrow and will hold you and Bart in my heart as I am sharing. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you, and sending you love…comfort and tons of hugs. It looks like you have new little one…Towanda, is that correct? I worked with another Vizsla years ago named Towanda…she was quite the character. I look forward to meeting your new “dogter” in the near future. Take Care.

 

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