I Hear You Barty…

Good Morning Everpawdy…

It has been exactly one month since I had to let my sweet boy go and it does not get any easier as the days pass. In fact, after the first week it became harder and harder to get through the day without feeling and acting like a brainless zombie. The sadness I feel from the emptiness is something I can’t describe with words. It is just pure, naked sadness. I miss you, Bart.

Yesterday I was in the bathroom and I heard you bark. It was the squeaky little bark you eeked out when you were in your crate and wanted me to come get you. When you was starting to feel better from chemo you would let out these little barks in the middle of the night and I soon realized it was because you wanted me to come get you for Play Time (at 2 a.m.)!!  But yesterday I couldn’t go get you. I couldn’t let you out for Play Time. I couldn’t do anything. In fact, I couldn’t do anything to save you. I couldn’t do anything to prevent the cancer from overtaking your body and causing you pain. I could’t do anything…I felt so  guilty. I am so sorry, my love. Did I not do enough? How come I was able to save you before but not this time? I couldn’t go get you this time for Play Time…I can’t do anything but tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you. Sometimes that just does not seem like enough. I want you back…I want you to wake me up at 2 a.m. for Play Time!!!

My head knows I did my best, but another part of me feels like I failed, like I should have done more…

I miss you Bart. We had the best times together…just the absolute best times! But, I miss you. I am so painfully sad you are gone. I sob when I think about your absence. I miss you Bart. I just miss you…

I love you, Barty, I love you.